I ducked out.. and I am back..

Ok.. so I have been gone for a little hot minute.. I know.. I am so sorry guys.. Things have just been so damn busy. With what have I been doing with my time you ask??
Well.. I had my best friend from Chicago out here for a week and a half. We started our record label back up.. So that has taken up a lot of time. I just got pro tools to start producing music again. And really just networkin with a lot of local artists, and friends that are into music.. Besides that, I am still in school people!!.. And with another class under my belt, I am just tryin to do what it do.
So, what has been up you ask? Well.. Let's see.. Besides all that, I have honestly been taking the solo road. Enjoying my life the way it is. I have decided to cut almost every guy from my roster. Brandon has been long gone.. and good riddance.. I have decided to leave alone Will.. Yeah.. And not in a " I have said it before kind of way" but a "I am officially done and over with his shit" way..
It is stupid.. I know.. But here goes why... I have a music myspace page up for our Record label.. And HE added me.. Yes.. not me adding him.. And I accepted his add.. And saw he is in a relationship and his number one is some girl that has a picture up of him and her as his default.. Oh well.. That was it.. I no longer have any feelings for him.. And fucking me will be out of the question.. Real life.. I will not put my heart through his bullshit for another day!!!
SO I am rolling solo, and I am not looking. Real life.. I am sure I will write more about the closing on the will chapter. I can't fit 9 years of feelings or loss of feelings in a paragraph or 2.
I have also been planning my trip to Hawaii for my 10 year high school reunion. While doing so I found a lost friend's sister on Facebook. I got excited because for the first time in 6 years I thought I was close to getting back in touch with a dear friend Kristy. I reached out to her sister who then relayed my message and now I am in touch with my long lost friend. I did feel a little lost without her... But none the less.. I feel a lot more whole now :)
I gave up on the whole turning Phillip into something more.. I dont think it could have.. But, I deaded the idea in my head. And probably right so!
I can't think of anything else to talk about right now.. I am all discombobulated.. Oh.. LOL the other day, I was hanging with my friend Marvin.. Who needed me to take him to drop off money with someone.. As we were pulling into the parking lot, I told him I think I know someone that lives up in here.. His name is "Lt".. that ended up being the person he was droppin the money off to. Well.. Lt and I had a lil rendevous back in the day.. I didn't really like him.. I think he said something ignorant and I just cut off communicado.. So he comes up to the car.. and he's looking at me confused "like.. dont I know you from somewhere.. " and then he asks that exact question.. I tell him yea and explain why I left him high and dry.. And then he asks for my number.. I am borderline in a good mood, and a sarcastic mood.. So I give it to him reluctantly.. Whatever.. And he blows my phone up. I mean 2hours after I gave it to him he called like 4 times.. I finally answer.. I broke it down to him.. Like look.. I am happy where my life is now.. I dont want a relationship.. and I really dont want what I think you have to offer.. I am coo.. Lol.. heartless right?... oh well.. anyways.. I will try to make it tomorrow.. I know.. I dont wanna say it, cause if I do.. I wnt be back tomorrow.. so see you later :)

Earth Hour??

Ok, so I partaked in the hour of lightlessness.. Which I dont think is a word.. But I just made it into one.. Yeaaaaah!!
So, I figured if vegas was gonna turn off the lights to the strip and the all famous Welcome to Las vegas sign.. I should do the same. So I did. And to tell you the truth.. I fell asleep.. But I know at 8 i woke up to turn off my computer and I even turned off the phone!! wow.. I did however keep the fan on.. And that was something I compromised on. I figured, if earth day didnt want me to turn the tv on or use my computer maybe they give me my fan. If i have no fan, I have no sleep. So I did my part.
But I am so proud that they say Billions of people participated. Right on fellow man kinders.. So proud of all you people.. I am sure there are a few million though that have no electricity or stuff like that to waste energy.. So for those people well.. thank u for not putting more crap into it. I am sure us americans have your waste covered!!!
Anyways.. What a lame post.. well.. Sorry I jsut woke up.. and I am half ass watching Sex in the City. So whatever.. Anyhoo.. I am outtie.. I will try to write tomorrow.. Atleast with a lot more things to say then earth hour.. I feel like an ass for writing about it.. But did you participate in earth hour?

A much needed break

So life has all these crazy loopty loo's, and winding roads that sometimes I take a detour. I had to take this detour. If not for anything else but my sanity. I had a bunch of things coming at me and I did try to prioritize my time a little better, but for cripes sake I am a Libra.. I love procrastination and I love being lazy.
Lets see whats going on?... Well, I got into a set schedule.. Really I had no choice. I was up before the sun gets out every morning, helping out family. Basically what that entails is picking up my brother and dropping him off at work, then bringing his daughter here to be watched until his wife gets out of work. Both of them changed their schedules, and sooooo. Here we are to help... So as soon as i get back with baby, I have to get my other niece ready to go to school Then actually take her. Not to mention I have to go to school also. Aside from school, and family life there has been my socializing life. Which should be the majority of time. I spend a lot of time bullshitting with people.
Lilly (my dog) has taken a front seat also. I have been religiously taking her to the dog park. She needs it, and the walking sure does help me out. I have been meeting the coolest people.. It is kinda funny though, cause I run into the hottest guys ever, and then they kill it with a small yapper dog, here I am with a Pit Bull.. and he has a small ankle biter. LOL.. I can't help but laugh at that. I mean really? I feel more masculine than the guys... Ha ha If it aint pit.. it aint shit right? Apparently not.
I have actually taken a slight break from any and all guys I have been dating. Even trophy! Especially Brandon. I figured fuck em! and not in the literal term, with good feelings.. I mean.. to hell with them.. I told phil that I am gonna cut everyone from the roster and start my harem all over again. So far so good!. I do still talk to my trophy, but sex not in a while, and really conversation and hanging out also not in a while. So I am done!
I have still been on my phone like a crack head. I have bought little gadgets and gizmos for it. I am always on it.. I love it. Ha ha.. I know crack head right.. I know..
I am trying to get creative.. but it just isnt coming to me.. I am in a cluster fuck.. my mind is in a rut.. I am trying to get it out. I will try to come back later today and really unload ok.. But I wanted to come back just for alittle..

I didnt dissapear

Good lord guys, my apologies. I was sick beyond belief. I had um.. well I dunno what exactly I had, but coughing, body aches, fevers and headaches. Plus mucho fatigue. I spent a lot of hours laying in bed dead. haha..
So whats been going on? What has everyone been up to? Me? well besides being sick.. I have been playing with my phone.. ofcourse.. who would have thought? Nah, but for reals... I havent been doing much. I have been hanging out with phillip here and there.. He actually braved it with me and my cooties. Lol.. wow.. this is starting off so boring.. I am so sorry.. I feel like I am cheating you..
Oh, so I filed my taxes.. which I know I said I wasnt the governments bitch anymore.. But yet again I am.. haha.. so quick huh i get on my knees.. Well.. I filed my taxes after waiting forever from the Royale to give me my W-2.. I thought because I made like 8 thousand less this year than I did last year.. I may actuall get a decent little return.. HA HA HA.. yeah right.. I got back 256.. which I went and checked the status at the wonderful IRS site.. and well.. it all went to my student loan.. NIIIICE!! which hey.. I cant complain i havent paid it.. in like.. EVER.. but seriously i had made every intention of payin it as soon as i got my settlement.. but Hey.. uncle sam decided to take it now.. how fuct up is that though? I am unemployed and it was only for 256 bucks??? why would he even bother taking that shit from me? haha.. anywhoooo.. i am again that freckeled red headed step child I was braggin not to be..
So I watched Greys anatomy last night.. which I usually watch every thursday and pretty much have since it started.. Well.. I had heard the rumors that they were gonna get rid of katherine heigel's character Izzy.. which if you watch.. all those Denny hallucinations were really bothering me.. I was kinda irritated by it.. But Last night's episode was kinda fuct up.. She had her interns diagnosing and treating "patient x".. come to find out patient x has cancer.. come to find out after.. Izzy is patient x.. seriously.. is that how they are gonna go out?.. fuct up.. that was kinda sad.. which the show is.. but whatever.. that shit bothered me..
I think heroes is starting to get interesting again too.. It took a little break from being cool to just being a soap opera and pretty predictable.. but now its getting good again.. I am so sorry guys this shit sucks.. but I am still a little nyquiled up and I still yea.. but i wanted to let u guys know i was still alive.. and i waz thinkin of ya.. how mushy huh.. well thats it for today.. ill try to make this a habit again.. lol..

They have an App for what??

After spending 2 days and 2 nights like a crack addict on itunes App store... I have realized.. this phone is beyond the shit. They have an app for almost everything. They have Urban spoon.. which in my opinion sucks.. The only thing thats even cool about it, you shake it, the reel spins.. oooooooh.. kinda lame... when i want to eat , even if indecisive about where.. i dont think a shake is gonna do it.. simply because everytime i shaked it.. the same restaraunts came up.. so I whatevered that app..
Flash lights, lighters, calorie counting, step counting.. they even have a bubble wrap app.. Which, as someone who loves bubble wrap.. I really felt that I was about to have a lot of fun with it; WRONG.. it was kinda lame.. it pops, yes it does.. but i think its the feeling u get when you are actually poppin those bastards!
I downloaded this stupid app.. its an intimacy tracker??? what is that you ask? well you can pick 4 different categories and you can name them yourself.. (ie dinner/movie, sex, phone time..etc) and anytime you do something u categorized, you go to the app and you keep your tally. That way you can look back for the month and see how romantic or how much time you spent with your significant other.. LOL.. wow really? And the thing is password protected so your S.O doesnt get to see that you keep a record of any love given.. Who thought of some bullshit like that? I couldnt see why anyone would use it, nor make it.. I give it a lil while till they have an app that multi functions for you.. we shall see huh..
So I woke up early again.. Today I have no one to blame.. which is unusual.. thats my shit, blaming others..haha Nah, i really did just go to bed really early and get a nice 10 hour sleep...Nice.. I was ready to wake up and clean.. And then I layed in bed, and got lazy.. all within an hour and a half.. how you like that. But Yes, I need to clean this room, and Lilly proof it.. I am going to have to think like a dog for a split second.. I gotta think of anything that may look or smell appealing to her.. I am goin to try to make it 2 days withouth a mess..I am sure I will figure something out for my saturday.. After all it is a beautiful day.. I can see the sky from my window.. and the sun is shinning bright.. Alls that is missing.. a beach... well.. thats the price we pay to live in the desert.. Anywhooo.. I think I shall start mustering up the strength to get up and clean... I have been lazy far too long.. so I hope alls of you have a great day.. peace love and chicken grease!!

I know, brief intermission

So, I didnt ditch you guys for my iphone or anything like that.. no.. haha.. nah I did to a certain extent.. To another extent.. No, cause I lost internet for 2 days. My router burnt out. So, I apologize for not being able to share my crack with all of you..
So what have I been up to? Well.. let's see.. I went and got my Iphone. I have been on cloud 9 with it. I cannot lie. But there has been more to life than my handheld amusement. I have been spending a lot of time with Phillip. I gave him my old cell phone, so we been texting a lot, as well as hanging out. I met his new little girl.. The jury is still out on her. I think her insecurity will blow it with my bestie... which hey.. whatever.. hahaha..
I also have been talkin to trophy.. Which is cool.. nothing spectacular.. he decided to give up on the 3some after the girl that i put work into decided to lie to him about something. I guess he wrote her off..
And ofcourse Brandon is back in the picture... I told you I was a glutton for punishment. It actually has been cool, but I have been playing it by ear, and not giving more of myself than he is giving of me. Infact, I dont even call him anymore, he calls me.. and it will stay like that, for however long I keep it that way. He is now eating out of the palm of my hands..
Lets see.. Oh my gosh.. My dog is having issues.. I understand, she is bored. But yikes, this biyatch has fuct up my room everyday so far this week that i had school... anytime i left the room, she tore something up, and now shes starting to chew up the carpet.. YIKES!!! I know, it is my fault for keepin her cooped up.. but oh well.. not much on my mind today huh.. well.. ill try to post something better tomorrow guys.. just wanted to say i was thinkin of you

I am not the governments redheaded stepchild

No sir-ree.... I am not.. After many years of getting the taxes raped out of me painstakingly from EVERY check.. I am not the governments' bitch anymore.. What a relief. My anal muscles (sphincter) can relax and just chill..
I was way stoked to find out about my unemployment.. But, just newly arrived in the mail today was my first education benefit check. I get a monthly amount because my daddy-o served in the good ol Vietnam war and literally busted his back for whatever that shit was for.. Alls I know is Pops made it so I can get paid to learn.. How you like that?
I totally made up for the money I spent on the Iphone.. Which by the way hasnt come yet. I dont know if saturdays are considered a "business" day.. but since i consider every single day a day off.. I think saturday should be a "business" day. I want my freekin phone PEOPLE!!.. So I am no longer late on rent. As a matter of fact, I am early. WooooHOOOOO!!!
Damn, it is so sad that I get so happy about money. But it really was coincidence that I even had a check there. For I was just on the VA website trying to figure out 1) how much I am getting (by the way, it is 200 summin less than i thought..but whatever) and 2) how long would it be till i saw that little liberty statue check in the mail??? So I am a little lost as to where I am going to find this out, so I call my mom, she has dealt with VA before.. she told me.. "well.. if you needed to do something, or you were getting something.. you would have heard from them by now, you have been in school for about 3 weeks" .. enough said.. I knew what I needed to do now.. take my fat ass to the mail room and check that shit!!
Exactly what I did.. I saw the letter from VA.. i started getting goose bumps.. like whoa.. Mom just told me I would have heard from them by now.. I decide not to read it yet, get the rest of the mail out of the box.. Remember.. after all you did try to see if your Iphone was here first off.. So, i grab the rest of the mail.. And I am just sifting through it.. I really didnt care, I was really looking for something about my Iphone.. And then I see it.. A government check envelope.. Thinking there is some kinda mistake or something.. I see my name on the check.. This just happened and I just thought it up. IT was a little bazaar.. But whatever.. I am now, unemployed and make more than I did while I was working. Now that is what I call bazaar.. Now, I get to ponder what I am going to buy with my next unemployment check (after my negative balance is wiped out).. Is unemployment the new young persons retirement? I will so work till I am 80 if this is. Give me a few year retirement here, I will work with my walker.. Swear I will

who said a crack addiction was a bad thing?

I have a real problem. I mean REAL.. I have money problems. I just don't know how to right my wrongs. Ok, due to being unable to pay for my cell phone anymore (unemployment had taken way too long) my number for 3 years dissapeared and was more than likely reissued (bastards!) Me taking this as a sign that sprint should not be my carrier anymore anyways (I really did want a new service) I decide to "dick around" with other carriers. Since my credit is shot, I figured it would be hilarious to check out how much my deposits would be. So, wanting the Iphone probably the most, I try ATT..
Wow, ATT deminished any hope I had..After painstakingly (ok maybe that is a slight overexaggeration) filling out those online applications; ATT approved me for a GOPHONE.. REALLY?? who gets approved for a prepaid cell phone service?? I thought it was a guarantee.. A sure thing (like taking a skank to the prom in hopes of getting laid after...DUH!). I cant believe they are acting like they hooked me up. Like.. Here.. since u arent cool enough to get a REAL service with us, we will carpe launch you to our lovely PREPAID service.. Who does that? Dont they know I was a LOYAL customer of sprint the NOW NETWORK.. lol seriously.. how fuct up was that?
To my very best luck, I am on the phone with Phillip when I am conducting "research".. After a few failed attempts on my obviously fuct up credit, Phill feeling bad for me says, "why not try in my name?" I am a little taken aback by this. Wow.. he is in an exceptionally good mood today.. hmm.. So I say why not? for shits and giggles, let us see how much a deposit be for my bestie.. Knowing I dont have enough money on my UNEMPLOYMENT debit card.. ( I will next week though), I decide to just see what the damage would be. Never once when I was doing this had I thought it would actually go through so easily. So I pick out my Iphone, I pick the plan I want, and I click continue... I really was expecting a "sorry we cant approve you..blah blah" instead.. I get a confirmation on my order, and a thank you for choosing ATT.. Bastards.
I overdrew my unemployment. I for one did not think you could. But apparently you can. I am now 223 bucks overdrawn, which wednesday will be taking care of that, and I will spend one week almost broke, and my sister will understand when her rent is also a week late. The price we pay for our toys. I am for one grateful that phill let me use his credit to get me a phone, and that I do have unemployment to pay for my new phone. But deep down inside.. I know there is something wrong with me. haha..
Who does that? Who spends money on bullshit and is truly happy with it, even if I have absolutely no reason to have it.. I mean, did I really need to spend like 50 bucks on candles when I dont even burn them, I just like looking at them, and thinking of the most prescious moment I will burn them for.. Crazy. I spend money on my dog like I have a slight crack addiction. Bullshit is my crack though. Buying bullshit I should say. Cause you could bullshit me to death, and I would probably laugh my ass off.. But if you show me bullshit, I WILL BUY IT!!!! DAMMIT!!!
I am not having shoppers remorse.. Cause when my phone comes in either today or monday, I am gonna be like a crack addict, playing with that shiny new pipe he got, my phone calls will be like hits of crack.. I will be smoking and holding in. (I dont know if crack heads actually hold in the smoke.. i know pot heads do.. and I dont know why i even compared the 2..) but the phone is the pipe.. and any little play I do on my phone will be my hits of crack. I am extremely disturbed to even refer to my shopping habits like crack heads.. but it is now 805am on a saturday morning.. Whatever bitches! haha.. one day, i shall learn..

That whole "friend" category thing...

Ok.. I will admit I did open up a can of worms with that whole "Phillip" thing.. I knew it.. I knew mentioning it would do something. I knew if I even tugged at that piece of yarn it was gonna fuck up the whole sweater.. lol..
Alright.. I didnt say anything to him about it.. not at all.. and i probably never will.. But I guess he got back in touch with a girl that he liked growing up.. they havent seen each other in like 3 years. Now, he's back in touch and falling for her.. wow.. how did that happen?
He's not mine.. I KNOW THIS.. but.. in the first place.. lets go back about 3 years ago.. maybe 4.. where did i get put in that friend category in the first place?.. it sucks.. cause i know deep down he knows we would be great too.. whatever.. lol...
this is why i dont shit where i eat.. or eat where i shit.. whatever.. haha..
so brandon.. yes.. we are back on that situation.. i have talked to him.. i found out what happened.. he lost his job and got depressed.. understandable.. but.. we shall take baby steps.. he said he figures im going to torture him and make him spend money for me to forgive him.. actually.. im not.. ill prolly just emotionally gut punch his ass here and there.. an upper cut there.. and a jab there.. fuck up his self esteem real quick..lol nah that sounded heartless.. haha.. im not.. just a bitch.. anyways.. that whole phillip thing blew up in my face.. because for the first time since we became friends so long ago.. i became jealous that he was on the phone with another girl.. i have encouraged him to dick down girls.. but this one.. i just.. and you know what bothers me.. is he has said like 6 or 7 times how this girl is EXACTLY like me personality wise.. he was like.. man this girl is a mirror image of ur personality.. i love that shit.. ?????? so.. already he has found someone he wants to be with that is exactly like me? whoa.. did i miss something?... haha whatever.. like i said.. it blew up in my face.. i am wiping my hands of the situation.. and stick to the rivers and lakes im used to and leave alone them waterfalls.. jus sayin..

do I have a sign that says full of 2nd chances here?

Geesh louise..
I swear I dont know what it is with people these days. I had a best friend for about 7 years. Her name is Lisa. I love her to death, she can be a total sweet heart. I overlook her faults and some of her lies, cause it really isnt that serious. But.. She kicked me when I was down. I needed her to be understanding to me for a little while longer. I owed her money, in a round about way. And it wasnt a very big amount.. My intent was as soon as my unemployment came through she was gonna be the first one paid, no doubt about it. She couldnt hang on one more week. she flipped out on me, called me and was cussing me out. I mean it was ridiculous. If she was ever my friend I dont think she should have ever treated me like that. I have done a lot for this girl, I have never asked to be repaid or thanked or anything, but I truly believed if you were my friend, you would be there for me .. fuck not even be there for me.. But dont kick me when I am down. that is some low shit. Something an enemy does.
Well.. Today I get a text from her that says.. "dude i need to talk to you" i text back
"about what".. I thought she was gonna bitch some more.. I honestly did.. But she didnt..
she texted back "i dont wanna lose you as a friend".. i sat there and thought about it for a minute.. This girl is a loyal person, for the most part.. If i were stranded, i would call her, she would come no questiones asked, and she would drop anything she was doing. That's why I can over look her being a douchebag. So I text back and I pretty much said that she hurt me a lot and that I really wasnt mad at her or hate her or anything like that, I just didnt need that kinda negativity in my life. She said I know Im sorry, blah blah.. which is cool.. For her to admit that shes sorry.. thats a big step for her. I decide to forgive.. I told her it will take time for us to be back how we were.. But we can start to hang out again.
I did miss her.. I kicked it with her everyday for 7 years. Literally, everyday. .. I dont know.. I guess I am a sucker for it. I dont know why either. I am too forgivng.. But hey, I just dont like being mad at people, and I dont like people mad at me.. I am such a damn pacifist..
So the funniest shit to me the past few days, even though I have been cluster fuct is this.. My dog Lilly, she is crazy. Ok I just got her those water thingy things, that have a big water bottle that fills into the bowl.. Well when they drink enough water the water bubbles bubble up.. she gets all freaked out like shes gonna attack it. It all trips her out.. Then she will drink, stop and look up at the bottle like.. ":are you gonna do it?" .. "if you're gonna do it.. im ready" "ok you can do it.. I am waiting now.. do it bitch" it is funny as shit.. oh my gosh.. the simple things in life are the shit.. fuck i love my dog.. she is such a doofus.. that should have been her name..

i feel cluster fuct today

The past couple days, i have been cluster fuct. I dont know how to explain it. I have been so busy, and I been so, BLAH!.. I just dont know how to explain it. I took care of a lot of business the past couple of days, paying old fines that I just found out I owed. I paid bills that I had since I got laid off. I went to go get groceries. Then, I have school.. which is easy as hell right now, but it is time consuming. I am trying to train my dog to be a better "pack member", while training myself to be a "pack leader".
Today I went outside to go take my niece to school, found out that someone stole the license plates off of the car. They left the back plate holders and screws on the trunk and the front ones, in the rocks in front of the car. Nice.. I guess in Nevada, when that happens, YOU the victim must re-register your car. Now they have plates, illegal and listed as stolen.. but none the less they have perfectly fine brand new tagged plates. Just registered about a week ago too... So, yeah... Karma is a bitch though, and they will have what comes to them... Sucky way to start the day.. But they could have stole the car, so I look at it that way..
I have heard from Brandon.. But I still dont know.. I am like whatever! I am just focusing on school and doing ME..
It is really weird, my best friend Phillip made the weirdest remark. And actually has said a few off the cuff comments that have me taken a back.. I was talking about how I actually can see myself single for a long time.. How I like not sharing my bed with anyone; how I love sleeping diagonally. I was explaining how I slept, and he was figuring out how he would have to lay for it to be comfortable. Or he would talk about how we sleep alike?? Now, when I was saying it, I really wasn't saying it for him to include himself in there. I mean.. Don't get me wrong I have thought about him in that kinda way, but that was a LONG time ago. He is gorgeous, and well.. Me and him we just get each other. We really do, I mean that's why we are best friends. I will admit that when I first met him, I was on his jock. I dug him a little, but shit happens... He ended up with my cousin Jayme. They ended up being together for a while, he left for florida for a little while (i guess he had a little hustle he wanted to endeavor..whatever) well, she ends up finding out about 3 weeks after he left that she was pregnant. Hey we were all excited.. by this time our "friendship" was established, so it really didnt bother me that they were together. So he gets arrested in florida (we had no idea what happened to him).. Jayme made me godmom.. so I did for the baby as I thought Phillip would have.. I was there for anything and everything.. Between me and her sister at the baby shower Jayme didnt need for anything. Well Phillip gets back to vegas and Jayme is with her first baby daddy and pregnant with #3. She rarely lets him see his son, she plays a lot of games with him and just.. I dont know. I talk to Phillip everyday, when i see his son, I take lots of pictures..I give her stuff and say its from Phillip. I havent thought of phillip in any way sexually since I first met him like almost 5 years ago. After those little comments he always throws in.. I .. lol.. well I have.. But it is wrong.. He is my cousins baby daddy.. Although, i knew him first.. I knew him probably about 6 months before she did.. Our friendship was already established. Because we spend so much time together, or on the phone we know each others little quirks. We have done the whole "study" each other thing. We are that close. I dunno.. I think that has a little something to do with being cluster fuct. damn I am a rambling fool.. haha
Well.. I havent posted in a few days. I have been dealing with so much nuisances..but whatever..lol.. anywhooo :)

Here we go again.. again

Morning guys.. So yeah, I got to sleep in just a little longer than usual today. 830. WOOO HOOO.. However I did get woken up by the landscapers at like 7, but I ignored and went back to sleep. Which all by itself was a feat for me. But I do remember laying there like "I know they arent doing this today" But oh well. I am well rested (compared to yesterday).
I bought new bed things. I went pink. I love pink, and I needed an energy color to liven up the flow. I was with brown before, and well Things were ok, but not GREAT. Wow, unemployment really changed my outlook. I am extremely focused, and positive. I love the feel. Being broke just has this lasting effect over you, that no matter what you do or where you go you always have this yuck feeling about you. I did my splurge, however I may in 2 weeks or so purchase a nintendo Wii. i wanna play..hehe
So, I heard from Brandon. Yes, I still dont know how to reply. I am going to post his reply to me. I sent him on myspace, a short note that basically said, I dont know what I did, but it was pretty shitty of you to have just left me hanging. And too bad cause I really did like you, blah blah blah. But yea.. Here is his response:

whoa whoa whoa, sorry if i come wrong, but i have to be honest, u did nothing wrong, it's me. i tried to beat around the bush, but i have to show it. i never ignored you in a bad sense, i'm a LONE WOLF, A LONER, I STAND ALONE! I disappear from time to time for the hell of it. i can't help it. it's all i know. maybe if you read between the lines you could understand that. i hella hella like you, but i know this is a dealbreaker. I lay in my own world and think to myself. also, i have some sh*ton my mind that hopefully we could talk about later.

love always
xoxoxo
Brandon.


ok.. So he did tell me that a while back that he is a loner. He is used to dealing with everything alone, and he usually doesnt have someone that wants to be with him through life's obstacles. but I figured with how we were getting along, that he enjoyed my company. I was also thinking that maybe we were moving at a faster pace than he could handle, and he withdrew himself? I dont know, but I did hear from him. I am still leaving it up in the air, cause I cant forget the fact that he ditched me on valentines day. But like earlier comments said "make him pay for it" and I am. I will slowly let him back, but then again I feel that I may always fault him for this. We shall see about that situation.
I have some homework I gotta get done, so I may or may not be posting again today. I promise im not trying to flake out on you. xoxox

I have a thing for early mornings.. Blah!

Ok, yes I am up at 626am. When in actuality I have been up since 530am. I fell asleep doing homework. An excuse I havent been able to make since 1999. I really did. and I had a 1159pm deadline last night. But I got it in LATE.. but i did it. I remember laying in bed last night and I told myself "Heather, you're just gonna lay for a minute, close your eyes so they dont burn. Dont get comfy, dont get snug. But it happened, I did, I fell asleep. Haha oh well.
So school is a lot better than I thought. I had a lot of fun yesterday. My teacher is cool and I have a lot of cool people in my class. At 27 I am however one of the younger ones, which makes me feel better about going back.
Yesterday was a day entirely devoted to school. I did not think about or talk to any of the guys I am dating. I did talk to Will for a brief second, nothing serious.
So I was having a lot of blonde moments yesterday. After school of course. I was having a conversation with Phillip (best friend) and I kept saying the most asenite things. I dont know where my bursts of stupidity were coming from. I felt maybe that Brandon thing was bothering me more than should have. I am willing to admit that I was really that INTO him.. but I am over it.. This is me, I shake it off quick.. I shake off with ease, no problem.. what is it about this guy that I am stuck on? I have no clue.. But today I am definelty not thinking of him, or letting him get to me. But yesterday was crazy. I forget what I was talking to Phil about, but my dumb ass said "you cant look a gift horse in the eye" lol who does that? definetly having blonde moments.. yikes!
But I have great news to celebrate and that is why Brandon isnt ruining my day today. Call it fate or something but here goes: I have been waiting to hear from unemployment. Literally waiting weeks to hear my decision. Out of boredom and brokeness I decided to call and activate the debit card I was issued way back yonder when I filed. Just for shits and giggles. Cause I was hoping and praying for the money to be there. So I call, I establish my PIN and the operator goes to say "the balance is..." Wow, I have 5 weeks of pay already in there. So you mean I have been scraping together loose change for nothing?? So yes, my unemployment came in. It makes life a little easier. So today, I am going to go and contribute to our economy. I paid bills and rent yesterday, today is for me.
But because I am up at the ass crack of dawn, I am going to let the stores have time till they open up. But I get to have breakfast... wait.. I am up early almost every morning now, why am I making a big deal out of it? Anyways, I will probably post later also.. Since i put so much into homework.. i am kinda pooped.. sooooo.. have a nice day guys.. xoxo

shes just not that into you.. ANYMORE

Ok.. so with that title being said.. I guess it is safe for assumptions sake.. that yes indeed, I am cutting Brandon off of the roster... I had even gave him till this morning.. But I officially erased his numbers from my phone.. I cant say i didn't give him a fair shot. Cause I did. I just feel, if you are willing to do that in early stages.. What kinda shinanigans are you gonna pull 2 years from now, when we are in an established relationship. So.. a moment of silence for the now long gone Brandon H... goodbye ....
........Ok.. Now, I am again single (wait, I already was claiming to be) ha ha. Now, I have to fight off temptation to go see the ex.. I havent really spoke on his situation.. All I did mention was that he texted me.
Ok.. Long story short.. we met over 9 years ago. I was dating (nothing serious) someone he knew. And met him one night when the guy i was dating had his friends over to my apartment and we were all playing video games. So, me and guy stop dating, and I run into Will some time later. We became fast friends, that later turned into romantic friends. Which was a roller coaster ride for 9 years. We had so many ups and downs, and so many break ups to make ups. SO many you did this, you did that. To this day he still points fingers (i think that was me pointing fingers).. We just cant seem to find the right timing for each other..When one wants the other, the other isnt ready for commitment.. The passion is there. Totally.. We cant look at each other without giving each other googly eyes. The thing is, getting over him is so hard, cause he is one of my bestest friends. So cliche huh?
But it is true.. And after those texts on Valentine's day from him... I have reconsidered the whole "leaving him alone" ; "shit or get off the pot" sitatuation.. stupidly too.. but whatever I am beginning to think I am a glutton for punishment.
I thought about the other 2 guys im "dating".. my trophy.. actually nothing is wrong with him, except the fact that we arent together.. we are just dating.. he actually doesnt frustrate me.. He is pretty mellow and go with the flow.. a lot like myself. Other than his little 3sum situation (which most guys try for.. so I cant fault him).. The other guy.. well.. Thats where it gets confusing. My cousin hooked us up. And he is a great business connection. But his passion scares me. He is too passionate... About life, love, me.. his work. Which it isnt a bad thing. But the fact that I have known him for almost a year, and dating for over a month; I just dont feel the same, and I tell him to pump his brakes all the time. But he doesnt get it, or doesnt care.. But in his ideal world, I will be his wife.. He has started reffering to me amongst his friends as his "fiancee" Wow.. NEver got the ring.. But hey.. So to some it may seem like I have my plate full. But to tell you the truth, I would have gave up all of them for Brandon. I really would have, I was truly content with what we had, especially since even though i was dating others.. I stayed in the parameters of a relationship. I kept them as friends; ofcourse I never told them about each other (well i did tell brandon about them, but was honest in saying i wasnt doing anythign with any of them.. including him).. But I wasnt going on any dates, or really talking to them as much as I was before Brandon.
Lol.. I know that makes me look like a whore.. But out of the 3 guys (Will excluded) Trophy was the only one i was having sex with.. And once Brandon came around.. I wasnt doing anything. So.. I was just playing the field, until I found a game I wanted to pitch in.. Apparently the other team forfeited on me.. but hey.. thats Life right?
SOOOOO amongst other things.. Today is my first day of school.. You are now looking at a future teacher.. haha.. scary.. naw Actually I am great with kids.. and besides my dating life.. I live a pretty normal life.. Anyways.. I guess I should be heading out... So heres to 2nd chances and moving on.. Have a great day guys..

2nd chances.. and early mornings.. yet again

So, I am a little tired of waking up earlier than the mexicans that do the landscaping.. seriously. It's not even 730 yet.. and i have been up for a little over a half hour..
I hate this damn crap.. What happened to being able to sleep in atleast till noon? I am unemployed after all.. How am I living up to that stereotype if Im not atleast staying up all night and sleeping in all day? I feel a little disrespectful to the others who are doing so.. haha NOT..
So... I been talking to 3 guys.. Dating one seriously (or so he thinks).. He asked me to be his girlfriend.. And normally I would be a little scared, but I actually like this guy. His name is Brandon. Brandon is going through a divorce after being cheated on, and his soon to be ex wife got knocked up by her new boyfriend. Ha ha.. I mean its not funny or anything. But damn, that is a little fkd up.. Ok, so he has 2 daughters. And I know I mentioned in an earlier post how I am actually feeling guilty about feeling I should be a bigger priority. Which I have to be honest, in my defense. This was the first weekend since i have been dating him that he had his girls the whole weekend. It just so happened to be Valentines day weekend.. Now, I did hear from him on v-day.. actually I like how one of my followers put vday as (S)ingles (A)wareness (D)ay.. thanks darlingblue.. ..so I hear from him and it was so brief.. but sounded like this "Hey sweetheart.. I am headed out the door to take the girls to the movie.. i hope you have a great day, and i wanted you to know i was thinking about you.. talk to you later ok?" lol I like that whole ok part at the end... did i really have a choice.. or what??? Lol.. i quickly say, "thank you and have a fun time.. talk to you later babes.. " Ok.. that was roughly 2pm saturday.. I havent heard from him since..
I know this is probably stupid, but I have had a little list of rules.. some of them are stupid yes, I know.. But I have a 3 call rule.. If i have called you 3 times whether in a day or week.. I dont call back again. If you dont call back anytime within those 3 calls.. I move on. I am to that point. I am to the point, where I just dont understand what I should do. And if I didnt like this dude.. he wouldnt even be given a 2nd thought. I realize how shallow that makes me look.. Whatever.. lol Its hard to seed out the losers.. But we go from days of 9 hour phone conversations, to being able to spend 12 hours with each other and not get sick of each other.. to this.. Me blogging about him, and whether I should give him a 2nd chance.. I know its in the beginning stages of "us".. but the fact that I didnt go out and look for my valentine, or spend time with the other guys i am talking to. I literally spent my time pining over him.. And I still am. I miss that feeling he gives me.
The other 2nd chance I am looking at, is my ex. What a tumultous relationship that is. Yikes!.. Why couldnt a love story be so easy? Boy meets girl, they date, they fall in love. .. So simple.. but no..
... Damn this Brandon thing is bothering me... Maybe he deserves a 2nd chance.. But when do I draw the line here? How many days should pass (of him not calling) do I let him slide on? Today at 2pm would make it day 2.. This sucks.. I do like him :(

ok, so yea.. heres 25 random facts about me

ok i took this from my facebook page.. its 25 totally random things about me.. just to give my readers any kind of insight on me.. it was hard coming up with things at the top of my head.. cause what i find interesting.. you may not.. lol.. but this is a little bit about me.. just the start.. give me some time.. ill pour my heart out to you.. haha..


1) i probably have one of the biggest fears of commitment. I find faults, and dwell.. just so i dont feel tied down.



2) my dog really is that important to me.. that dmx song "slippin" ...
"i dont give a sh!t bout much but my dog" yea.. thats how i feel about
her.. and not in a beastiality kinda way either.. just in.. shes loyal,
smart, fun.. and always there..



3) i sit and think about my past a lot. mainly chldhood...reminisce value and cherish my past



4) aside from my fear of commitment.. i have a fear of failing. ever
since i can remember.. i never want to fail at anything.. losing is one
thing.. but to feel like i didnt give my all.. or i didnt try as hard
as i can.. makes me feel like a loser



5) due to medical problems.. i may never have children



6) deep down it bothers me that i may never be able to have kids.. but
life is life.. ur dealt the cards and u gotta play them..



7) i blow hot and cold quickly. i can be passionate about something,
and the minute it doesnt go the way i want to... im over it, and want
nothing to do with it...



8) i kept my ex around as a security blanket for any relationship i failed at.



9) simple flattery sometimes tickles me pink.. even if at that moment i know its bullshit..



10) i cuss a lot.. even when i know the appropriate word for the
moment.. sometimes the good ol F bomb feels so much better rolling off
of the tongue.



11) i am insecure on my intelligence.. lol. i feel at times i can be pretty stupid.. lol when i know better



12) i tend to stay in long lasting friendships.. when i shouldnt.. (NO
ONE FROM HAWAII) .. against better judgement and advice from x-co
workers.. i stay still friends with the dummy.. lol. whos the dummy..



13) i am an extreme fan of the underdog.. i dont like injustice.. i will fight tooth and nail



14) if i love a song.. i can sit all day wit it on repeat.. until ofcourse i am over it.. .lol



15) at first i can be HELLA shy.. but once i know u love it.. lol im all ME



16) technically speaking.. i am the only child.. i got a half bro and
half sis from moms first marriage.. and i have ahalf sis from pops
first marriage.. i am officially the only offsrping from james and
jessie..



17) my name is actually Heather-Lynn ...lol but out of embarassment of
a country bumpkin name.. i consider lynn my middle name.. when in
actuality is it my first name.. wut were my hippie parents thinkin



18) if i dont remember saying it, or remember you saying it. i was more than likely stoned.. just sayin..



19) i probably should have been a comedian.. or maybe i was in a
previous life.. and im not jus sayin im funny.. but i have been told
TOO many times.. that that probably was my calling in life



20) id rather be happy doing something i love and be umm.. not as
financially stable then to be doing something that im miserable doin
jus because of a paycheck..



21) i truly am a sucker for a smile.. lol.. damn i am



22) i flirt CONSTANTLY.. i cant help it.. it comes out and i cant stop it.. and i dont discriminate.. lol



23) i can lay and look at the starts for hours upon hours.. vegas dont
really have stars.. u gotta find them.. calico basin.. the lake..



24) i can go to any body of water and feel at peace within myself... i
feel spiritual with the surroundings of lakes, beaches, rivers etc
have..



25) i can be one of the best friends someone has.. i am loyal even if u are wrong..

so like.. umm.. yea

Glad to see Valentine's day over and done with..
The first year, where I actually thought I had a decent shot at a good valentine. Haha how wrong was I? Therefore I truly believe that you should NEVER start a relationship before valentines day. Maybe 1 month prior.. but 2 weeks.. not so much..
Can't lie and say I was a little dissapointed..I did have a inkling that I wasnt gonna have the best luck yesterday. But oh well!
So, I am up a little early yet again.. But I did lay in bed, and just truly enjoy the feeling of not having to pee, not being thristy, or not feeling like i didnt get enough sleep. I did!
Now I am wondering what the day holds for me. I hate to jump to assumptions, but I have a feeling today isnt gonna be the best. For one, I live with my sister.. who is a total utter biyatch!.. yeah.. And well, she makes coming out of the room pretty frightful. Unless I have an intent on why I am out of my room (besides leaving to go somewhere) she tends to find things to bitch about. Which, after thoughtful consideration, and a few hints of insight. I have come to this conclusion:
My sister who is 34, never has had a boyfriend, has no children.. works a mediocre job (when never living up to her full potential) is an all around miserable person. When I, an (almost) carefree liver, always on the go, always in demand.. center of attention, go with the flow, vivacious kinda gal. Its hard to sit and watch someone live life. Therefore, you do try to be as miserable as possible to that person. In her efforts to beat down the man (me) I have cried, been mad, miserable myself. But nothing sticks. I shake it off, and talk shit about her in blogs.. haha nah. She is lucky that I need to do the roommate thing right now. Cause if I didnt.. i would have been gone a long time ago. haha.. The things we put up with for a roof over our heads. haha

isnt valentines day for love.. or something?

so like.. it is right?
I dont know why I am a cynic when we get to valentine's day. I mean it is a day for love right? But how so? I mean, you have an idea of what you expect or want from your valentine. so when s(he) does not live up to the expectation, arent you a little dissipointed? There for leaving a little resentment towards the situation. Just saying!! I mean, even if we are the most practical.. you still hope for that maybe flower he picked from his neighbors yard, or stopped and atleast made you a card.. and for the more lavish.. atleast a teddy bear or something. Easy to get your hopes up high, to only get dissipointed.
Now, what freaks me out, is the actions everyone is doing leading up to the day, and the day of this proposed Love day. The lonliness some people endure, they take it out on people. Quite understandable huh? You're miserable, to see people happy, its a little disturbing. i get it.
I just dont like the emphasis people put on the day. I dont see why i should only get flowers on one day a year. But under all my cynicism, and backlash on V-day.. I am a little dissapointed in a guy i am dating. He is seeking for our relationship to be serious. I get it.. I am cool. But here I am sitting here on v-day while he spends the day with his kids. Which is great. it is by far a pleasure to see a man spending time with his kids. And how dare me to want to be the star today. I know, Im an ass.. but. just kinda wished, he had put a little priority into me. That is all the mushy ness i am allowing myself today. LOL..
So, my ex.. he texted me that he really missed me.. as he put it "more than you know" LMAO.. surprised it came that early. For i only just maybe a month ago, told him i was over him. I did text back stating i miss him too.. it is mutual. But when is it fair for him to let me go. On and off for 9 years.. Not too fair you know. But the crazies come out on this day for the almighty love.
So what were you wishing for? Me, I wasnt wishing for anything. I tend to not like being let down. It is however my dog's first birthday.. And yeah.
.. we will see.. maybe today will turn out better..

up too early

i hate being up too early. What exactly is too early? Is it something to do with age? cause I can remember 5 years ago when i was 22, I could sleep in for HOURS. Now that i am nearing 30, I have it set. 7 1/2 hours pretty much everyday. Any less, I get migraines; any more, i get i dont know, but i am almost positive its not good.
So what do you do? do you lay in bed trying to get that last little bit of sleep you are seeking. Or were you woken up by the infamous "morning pee. " Which is my reason for being up. After that waking experience, I found it so hard to fall back asleep. So here goes me, up.
So yesterday was my first blog. I wasnt sure what to do with it, what could become of it. Still I am not too sure, but I figure lets stick it out a little while.
I realized I love sunrises. I dont get to see them that often. But they are moving. Maybe I am getting sentimental this early morning. I am thinking of going to Mcdonalds to partake in the egg mcmuffin consuming thing. Cause nornally I am not up early enough to ever make the breakfasts.
Today isn't like even... lol i dont know where i was goin with that one.. sorry guys
And I am not even quite sure where I will be going with all these blogs. Like my headline says. Life how i see it, or live it.. or whatever.. so that means.. whatever i feel like typing.. its goin up.. but i would love any and all feedback.. if something was funny or something related to you let me know. Cause i think thats what i want with this.. i want to know that there are others who are experiencing some things i go through, or have, or know others who do... Cause life is crazy. it is what we make it.
so with that being said.. i am going to see what i can make of today.. have a great day peoples..

first blog.. just a simple one for now

Ok.. so here goes. My first attempt to blog. I need a feel for this, so bare with me.
Ok... so after a lot of contemplation on my part, I feel I need to address my fear of commitment. I dont know exactly what it is about dating that gets to me. But it is almost like i need a few guys to equal up to ONE great one. crazy I know. Its like its sex and the city for a 20 something year old. and I couldnt consider myself on the status of the girls of the cast of the show. Looks wise, but I pull guys I dont have any business pulling, Seriously.
Now what is troubling me today, which I feel shouldnt. But it does. Ok, I am dating this one guy (amongst others) but this one is like my trophy. He is fine in every aspect of every way. He is sucessful, he is attractive, and a great personality. Now, the problem with this "situation" is he is in other words a "hoe" yes, he is. He has friends. Now through time he has got me to consider a threesome situation. so I get the situation started. i "find" a girl, i make the connection, i put in all the work. One day, she decided she wanted to do a "3-way" phone call with him. While on the phone he indicated that he might want to sample her himself. Red flags went up immediately. what happened? Did I just hook up my trophy with another "friend" to add to his collection? Did I become that girl? How did that happen? So do I have the right to be a little peeved with this situation? or should i chalk this up to game and say fuck it and let them have each other? I dont know. But i do now think I look at him differently.