who said a crack addiction was a bad thing?

I have a real problem. I mean REAL.. I have money problems. I just don't know how to right my wrongs. Ok, due to being unable to pay for my cell phone anymore (unemployment had taken way too long) my number for 3 years dissapeared and was more than likely reissued (bastards!) Me taking this as a sign that sprint should not be my carrier anymore anyways (I really did want a new service) I decide to "dick around" with other carriers. Since my credit is shot, I figured it would be hilarious to check out how much my deposits would be. So, wanting the Iphone probably the most, I try ATT..
Wow, ATT deminished any hope I had..After painstakingly (ok maybe that is a slight overexaggeration) filling out those online applications; ATT approved me for a GOPHONE.. REALLY?? who gets approved for a prepaid cell phone service?? I thought it was a guarantee.. A sure thing (like taking a skank to the prom in hopes of getting laid after...DUH!). I cant believe they are acting like they hooked me up. Like.. Here.. since u arent cool enough to get a REAL service with us, we will carpe launch you to our lovely PREPAID service.. Who does that? Dont they know I was a LOYAL customer of sprint the NOW NETWORK.. lol seriously.. how fuct up was that?
To my very best luck, I am on the phone with Phillip when I am conducting "research".. After a few failed attempts on my obviously fuct up credit, Phill feeling bad for me says, "why not try in my name?" I am a little taken aback by this. Wow.. he is in an exceptionally good mood today.. hmm.. So I say why not? for shits and giggles, let us see how much a deposit be for my bestie.. Knowing I dont have enough money on my UNEMPLOYMENT debit card.. ( I will next week though), I decide to just see what the damage would be. Never once when I was doing this had I thought it would actually go through so easily. So I pick out my Iphone, I pick the plan I want, and I click continue... I really was expecting a "sorry we cant approve you..blah blah" instead.. I get a confirmation on my order, and a thank you for choosing ATT.. Bastards.
I overdrew my unemployment. I for one did not think you could. But apparently you can. I am now 223 bucks overdrawn, which wednesday will be taking care of that, and I will spend one week almost broke, and my sister will understand when her rent is also a week late. The price we pay for our toys. I am for one grateful that phill let me use his credit to get me a phone, and that I do have unemployment to pay for my new phone. But deep down inside.. I know there is something wrong with me. haha..
Who does that? Who spends money on bullshit and is truly happy with it, even if I have absolutely no reason to have it.. I mean, did I really need to spend like 50 bucks on candles when I dont even burn them, I just like looking at them, and thinking of the most prescious moment I will burn them for.. Crazy. I spend money on my dog like I have a slight crack addiction. Bullshit is my crack though. Buying bullshit I should say. Cause you could bullshit me to death, and I would probably laugh my ass off.. But if you show me bullshit, I WILL BUY IT!!!! DAMMIT!!!
I am not having shoppers remorse.. Cause when my phone comes in either today or monday, I am gonna be like a crack addict, playing with that shiny new pipe he got, my phone calls will be like hits of crack.. I will be smoking and holding in. (I dont know if crack heads actually hold in the smoke.. i know pot heads do.. and I dont know why i even compared the 2..) but the phone is the pipe.. and any little play I do on my phone will be my hits of crack. I am extremely disturbed to even refer to my shopping habits like crack heads.. but it is now 805am on a saturday morning.. Whatever bitches! haha.. one day, i shall learn..

That whole "friend" category thing...

Ok.. I will admit I did open up a can of worms with that whole "Phillip" thing.. I knew it.. I knew mentioning it would do something. I knew if I even tugged at that piece of yarn it was gonna fuck up the whole sweater.. lol..
Alright.. I didnt say anything to him about it.. not at all.. and i probably never will.. But I guess he got back in touch with a girl that he liked growing up.. they havent seen each other in like 3 years. Now, he's back in touch and falling for her.. wow.. how did that happen?
He's not mine.. I KNOW THIS.. but.. in the first place.. lets go back about 3 years ago.. maybe 4.. where did i get put in that friend category in the first place?.. it sucks.. cause i know deep down he knows we would be great too.. whatever.. lol...
this is why i dont shit where i eat.. or eat where i shit.. whatever.. haha..
so brandon.. yes.. we are back on that situation.. i have talked to him.. i found out what happened.. he lost his job and got depressed.. understandable.. but.. we shall take baby steps.. he said he figures im going to torture him and make him spend money for me to forgive him.. actually.. im not.. ill prolly just emotionally gut punch his ass here and there.. an upper cut there.. and a jab there.. fuck up his self esteem real quick..lol nah that sounded heartless.. haha.. im not.. just a bitch.. anyways.. that whole phillip thing blew up in my face.. because for the first time since we became friends so long ago.. i became jealous that he was on the phone with another girl.. i have encouraged him to dick down girls.. but this one.. i just.. and you know what bothers me.. is he has said like 6 or 7 times how this girl is EXACTLY like me personality wise.. he was like.. man this girl is a mirror image of ur personality.. i love that shit.. ?????? so.. already he has found someone he wants to be with that is exactly like me? whoa.. did i miss something?... haha whatever.. like i said.. it blew up in my face.. i am wiping my hands of the situation.. and stick to the rivers and lakes im used to and leave alone them waterfalls.. jus sayin..

do I have a sign that says full of 2nd chances here?

Geesh louise..
I swear I dont know what it is with people these days. I had a best friend for about 7 years. Her name is Lisa. I love her to death, she can be a total sweet heart. I overlook her faults and some of her lies, cause it really isnt that serious. But.. She kicked me when I was down. I needed her to be understanding to me for a little while longer. I owed her money, in a round about way. And it wasnt a very big amount.. My intent was as soon as my unemployment came through she was gonna be the first one paid, no doubt about it. She couldnt hang on one more week. she flipped out on me, called me and was cussing me out. I mean it was ridiculous. If she was ever my friend I dont think she should have ever treated me like that. I have done a lot for this girl, I have never asked to be repaid or thanked or anything, but I truly believed if you were my friend, you would be there for me .. fuck not even be there for me.. But dont kick me when I am down. that is some low shit. Something an enemy does.
Well.. Today I get a text from her that says.. "dude i need to talk to you" i text back
"about what".. I thought she was gonna bitch some more.. I honestly did.. But she didnt..
she texted back "i dont wanna lose you as a friend".. i sat there and thought about it for a minute.. This girl is a loyal person, for the most part.. If i were stranded, i would call her, she would come no questiones asked, and she would drop anything she was doing. That's why I can over look her being a douchebag. So I text back and I pretty much said that she hurt me a lot and that I really wasnt mad at her or hate her or anything like that, I just didnt need that kinda negativity in my life. She said I know Im sorry, blah blah.. which is cool.. For her to admit that shes sorry.. thats a big step for her. I decide to forgive.. I told her it will take time for us to be back how we were.. But we can start to hang out again.
I did miss her.. I kicked it with her everyday for 7 years. Literally, everyday. .. I dont know.. I guess I am a sucker for it. I dont know why either. I am too forgivng.. But hey, I just dont like being mad at people, and I dont like people mad at me.. I am such a damn pacifist..
So the funniest shit to me the past few days, even though I have been cluster fuct is this.. My dog Lilly, she is crazy. Ok I just got her those water thingy things, that have a big water bottle that fills into the bowl.. Well when they drink enough water the water bubbles bubble up.. she gets all freaked out like shes gonna attack it. It all trips her out.. Then she will drink, stop and look up at the bottle like.. ":are you gonna do it?" .. "if you're gonna do it.. im ready" "ok you can do it.. I am waiting now.. do it bitch" it is funny as shit.. oh my gosh.. the simple things in life are the shit.. fuck i love my dog.. she is such a doofus.. that should have been her name..

i feel cluster fuct today

The past couple days, i have been cluster fuct. I dont know how to explain it. I have been so busy, and I been so, BLAH!.. I just dont know how to explain it. I took care of a lot of business the past couple of days, paying old fines that I just found out I owed. I paid bills that I had since I got laid off. I went to go get groceries. Then, I have school.. which is easy as hell right now, but it is time consuming. I am trying to train my dog to be a better "pack member", while training myself to be a "pack leader".
Today I went outside to go take my niece to school, found out that someone stole the license plates off of the car. They left the back plate holders and screws on the trunk and the front ones, in the rocks in front of the car. Nice.. I guess in Nevada, when that happens, YOU the victim must re-register your car. Now they have plates, illegal and listed as stolen.. but none the less they have perfectly fine brand new tagged plates. Just registered about a week ago too... So, yeah... Karma is a bitch though, and they will have what comes to them... Sucky way to start the day.. But they could have stole the car, so I look at it that way..
I have heard from Brandon.. But I still dont know.. I am like whatever! I am just focusing on school and doing ME..
It is really weird, my best friend Phillip made the weirdest remark. And actually has said a few off the cuff comments that have me taken a back.. I was talking about how I actually can see myself single for a long time.. How I like not sharing my bed with anyone; how I love sleeping diagonally. I was explaining how I slept, and he was figuring out how he would have to lay for it to be comfortable. Or he would talk about how we sleep alike?? Now, when I was saying it, I really wasn't saying it for him to include himself in there. I mean.. Don't get me wrong I have thought about him in that kinda way, but that was a LONG time ago. He is gorgeous, and well.. Me and him we just get each other. We really do, I mean that's why we are best friends. I will admit that when I first met him, I was on his jock. I dug him a little, but shit happens... He ended up with my cousin Jayme. They ended up being together for a while, he left for florida for a little while (i guess he had a little hustle he wanted to endeavor..whatever) well, she ends up finding out about 3 weeks after he left that she was pregnant. Hey we were all excited.. by this time our "friendship" was established, so it really didnt bother me that they were together. So he gets arrested in florida (we had no idea what happened to him).. Jayme made me godmom.. so I did for the baby as I thought Phillip would have.. I was there for anything and everything.. Between me and her sister at the baby shower Jayme didnt need for anything. Well Phillip gets back to vegas and Jayme is with her first baby daddy and pregnant with #3. She rarely lets him see his son, she plays a lot of games with him and just.. I dont know. I talk to Phillip everyday, when i see his son, I take lots of pictures..I give her stuff and say its from Phillip. I havent thought of phillip in any way sexually since I first met him like almost 5 years ago. After those little comments he always throws in.. I .. lol.. well I have.. But it is wrong.. He is my cousins baby daddy.. Although, i knew him first.. I knew him probably about 6 months before she did.. Our friendship was already established. Because we spend so much time together, or on the phone we know each others little quirks. We have done the whole "study" each other thing. We are that close. I dunno.. I think that has a little something to do with being cluster fuct. damn I am a rambling fool.. haha
Well.. I havent posted in a few days. I have been dealing with so much nuisances..but whatever..lol.. anywhooo :)

Here we go again.. again

Morning guys.. So yeah, I got to sleep in just a little longer than usual today. 830. WOOO HOOO.. However I did get woken up by the landscapers at like 7, but I ignored and went back to sleep. Which all by itself was a feat for me. But I do remember laying there like "I know they arent doing this today" But oh well. I am well rested (compared to yesterday).
I bought new bed things. I went pink. I love pink, and I needed an energy color to liven up the flow. I was with brown before, and well Things were ok, but not GREAT. Wow, unemployment really changed my outlook. I am extremely focused, and positive. I love the feel. Being broke just has this lasting effect over you, that no matter what you do or where you go you always have this yuck feeling about you. I did my splurge, however I may in 2 weeks or so purchase a nintendo Wii. i wanna play..hehe
So, I heard from Brandon. Yes, I still dont know how to reply. I am going to post his reply to me. I sent him on myspace, a short note that basically said, I dont know what I did, but it was pretty shitty of you to have just left me hanging. And too bad cause I really did like you, blah blah blah. But yea.. Here is his response:

whoa whoa whoa, sorry if i come wrong, but i have to be honest, u did nothing wrong, it's me. i tried to beat around the bush, but i have to show it. i never ignored you in a bad sense, i'm a LONE WOLF, A LONER, I STAND ALONE! I disappear from time to time for the hell of it. i can't help it. it's all i know. maybe if you read between the lines you could understand that. i hella hella like you, but i know this is a dealbreaker. I lay in my own world and think to myself. also, i have some sh*ton my mind that hopefully we could talk about later.

love always
xoxoxo
Brandon.


ok.. So he did tell me that a while back that he is a loner. He is used to dealing with everything alone, and he usually doesnt have someone that wants to be with him through life's obstacles. but I figured with how we were getting along, that he enjoyed my company. I was also thinking that maybe we were moving at a faster pace than he could handle, and he withdrew himself? I dont know, but I did hear from him. I am still leaving it up in the air, cause I cant forget the fact that he ditched me on valentines day. But like earlier comments said "make him pay for it" and I am. I will slowly let him back, but then again I feel that I may always fault him for this. We shall see about that situation.
I have some homework I gotta get done, so I may or may not be posting again today. I promise im not trying to flake out on you. xoxox

I have a thing for early mornings.. Blah!

Ok, yes I am up at 626am. When in actuality I have been up since 530am. I fell asleep doing homework. An excuse I havent been able to make since 1999. I really did. and I had a 1159pm deadline last night. But I got it in LATE.. but i did it. I remember laying in bed last night and I told myself "Heather, you're just gonna lay for a minute, close your eyes so they dont burn. Dont get comfy, dont get snug. But it happened, I did, I fell asleep. Haha oh well.
So school is a lot better than I thought. I had a lot of fun yesterday. My teacher is cool and I have a lot of cool people in my class. At 27 I am however one of the younger ones, which makes me feel better about going back.
Yesterday was a day entirely devoted to school. I did not think about or talk to any of the guys I am dating. I did talk to Will for a brief second, nothing serious.
So I was having a lot of blonde moments yesterday. After school of course. I was having a conversation with Phillip (best friend) and I kept saying the most asenite things. I dont know where my bursts of stupidity were coming from. I felt maybe that Brandon thing was bothering me more than should have. I am willing to admit that I was really that INTO him.. but I am over it.. This is me, I shake it off quick.. I shake off with ease, no problem.. what is it about this guy that I am stuck on? I have no clue.. But today I am definelty not thinking of him, or letting him get to me. But yesterday was crazy. I forget what I was talking to Phil about, but my dumb ass said "you cant look a gift horse in the eye" lol who does that? definetly having blonde moments.. yikes!
But I have great news to celebrate and that is why Brandon isnt ruining my day today. Call it fate or something but here goes: I have been waiting to hear from unemployment. Literally waiting weeks to hear my decision. Out of boredom and brokeness I decided to call and activate the debit card I was issued way back yonder when I filed. Just for shits and giggles. Cause I was hoping and praying for the money to be there. So I call, I establish my PIN and the operator goes to say "the balance is..." Wow, I have 5 weeks of pay already in there. So you mean I have been scraping together loose change for nothing?? So yes, my unemployment came in. It makes life a little easier. So today, I am going to go and contribute to our economy. I paid bills and rent yesterday, today is for me.
But because I am up at the ass crack of dawn, I am going to let the stores have time till they open up. But I get to have breakfast... wait.. I am up early almost every morning now, why am I making a big deal out of it? Anyways, I will probably post later also.. Since i put so much into homework.. i am kinda pooped.. sooooo.. have a nice day guys.. xoxo

shes just not that into you.. ANYMORE

Ok.. so with that title being said.. I guess it is safe for assumptions sake.. that yes indeed, I am cutting Brandon off of the roster... I had even gave him till this morning.. But I officially erased his numbers from my phone.. I cant say i didn't give him a fair shot. Cause I did. I just feel, if you are willing to do that in early stages.. What kinda shinanigans are you gonna pull 2 years from now, when we are in an established relationship. So.. a moment of silence for the now long gone Brandon H... goodbye ....
........Ok.. Now, I am again single (wait, I already was claiming to be) ha ha. Now, I have to fight off temptation to go see the ex.. I havent really spoke on his situation.. All I did mention was that he texted me.
Ok.. Long story short.. we met over 9 years ago. I was dating (nothing serious) someone he knew. And met him one night when the guy i was dating had his friends over to my apartment and we were all playing video games. So, me and guy stop dating, and I run into Will some time later. We became fast friends, that later turned into romantic friends. Which was a roller coaster ride for 9 years. We had so many ups and downs, and so many break ups to make ups. SO many you did this, you did that. To this day he still points fingers (i think that was me pointing fingers).. We just cant seem to find the right timing for each other..When one wants the other, the other isnt ready for commitment.. The passion is there. Totally.. We cant look at each other without giving each other googly eyes. The thing is, getting over him is so hard, cause he is one of my bestest friends. So cliche huh?
But it is true.. And after those texts on Valentine's day from him... I have reconsidered the whole "leaving him alone" ; "shit or get off the pot" sitatuation.. stupidly too.. but whatever I am beginning to think I am a glutton for punishment.
I thought about the other 2 guys im "dating".. my trophy.. actually nothing is wrong with him, except the fact that we arent together.. we are just dating.. he actually doesnt frustrate me.. He is pretty mellow and go with the flow.. a lot like myself. Other than his little 3sum situation (which most guys try for.. so I cant fault him).. The other guy.. well.. Thats where it gets confusing. My cousin hooked us up. And he is a great business connection. But his passion scares me. He is too passionate... About life, love, me.. his work. Which it isnt a bad thing. But the fact that I have known him for almost a year, and dating for over a month; I just dont feel the same, and I tell him to pump his brakes all the time. But he doesnt get it, or doesnt care.. But in his ideal world, I will be his wife.. He has started reffering to me amongst his friends as his "fiancee" Wow.. NEver got the ring.. But hey.. So to some it may seem like I have my plate full. But to tell you the truth, I would have gave up all of them for Brandon. I really would have, I was truly content with what we had, especially since even though i was dating others.. I stayed in the parameters of a relationship. I kept them as friends; ofcourse I never told them about each other (well i did tell brandon about them, but was honest in saying i wasnt doing anythign with any of them.. including him).. But I wasnt going on any dates, or really talking to them as much as I was before Brandon.
Lol.. I know that makes me look like a whore.. But out of the 3 guys (Will excluded) Trophy was the only one i was having sex with.. And once Brandon came around.. I wasnt doing anything. So.. I was just playing the field, until I found a game I wanted to pitch in.. Apparently the other team forfeited on me.. but hey.. thats Life right?
SOOOOO amongst other things.. Today is my first day of school.. You are now looking at a future teacher.. haha.. scary.. naw Actually I am great with kids.. and besides my dating life.. I live a pretty normal life.. Anyways.. I guess I should be heading out... So heres to 2nd chances and moving on.. Have a great day guys..